I did not have a strong relationship with my own father. We did not spend quality time together when I was a child. I have never felt that my own father was ever interested, in any part of me or my life. He did not attend my gymnastic competitions, practices, school functions, he did not take me on daddy-daughter dates, play with me at the park, teach me to ride a bike, remember my birthday’s, read bedtime stories, or participate in my discipline – teaching me right from wrong. I honestly can not remember spending quality time with my dad. I was a little girl desperate for quality time with her daddy, I starved for his attention and longed for him to be interested in me. I have struggled with this void in my heart, never knowing my value or worth to him as his daughter, for a long time. Would this be called “daddy issues?” I would say so.
Looking back on pretty much every decision I made in my personal life, from the time I was eighteen years old, would definitely be classified as a girl with “daddy issues.” I had a wonderful family around me, great role models and examples growing up, but NOTHING and NO ONE can replace a girl’s daddy, her desire to be with him, and her longing for him to be interested in her! This void literally became MY struggle and was the motivation behind all of my decisions, good or bad. I would do just about anything to be #1 in the eyes of a man, leaving me jealous for any time and attention that a man would give me. I know this sounds pitiful, (it makes me want to puke just saying it out loud), but this has been my struggle.
I was a competitive gymnast and as an athlete you are always having to prove yourself! You work hard giving ALL of your body, time and life towards your vision and your coaches vision. Your main goal and focus is to be the BEST, achieve the title of #1 and win Gold Medals! I am very thankful for the skills and attributes that the amazing, and my favorite, sport of competitive gymnastics instilled in me, (i.e. achievement, excellence, dedication, hard work, commitment, physical and mental strength, goal setting, time management, prioritizing, and focus); However, there is no activity or sport in the world that can replace the absence of feeling LOVE from your own father. I wanted so much to have my own functional family that I would cling on to others’ or try to force into existence a family of my own. Every time I would see a girl spending quality time with her dad, receiving affection, LOVE and praise, my heart felt so sad and empty. I was jealous because I longed for and desired that more than anything. I wanted my father to be interested in me, and for us to spend quality time together. I was desperate for him to recognize any part of me or my life. I needed my daddy to show me, through example, how I should be valued, protected, respected, honored and treated as a woman. I have chosen, for years, to ignore how much not having a real relationship with my father affected me but I just can’t anymore, because it did!
As I laid in my apartment, over a year ago, my world was crumbling and life as I knew it was over. I was feeling so lost, abused, alone, ashamed, weak, defeated and hopeless. In my moment of weakness and desperation for change my soul cried out to my Father in Heaven and He came to my rescue (Romans 10:13)! He saved me, redeemed me, and gave me a new life (2 Corinthians 5:17). I felt how much He LOVES me and is delighted in me, as His child (Psalm 18:19)! Jesus became My Perfect Daddy and in that moment, I knew that I was His daughter forever and NOTHING could separate me from His LOVE (Romans 8:31-39). I felt as if I was sitting on His knee, like a child and He was holding my hand, whispering into my ear, “Don’t you worry MY child, everything is going to be ok, you are safe and I have a plan for you,” (Matthew 18:2-4). It was then, through His PERFECT LOVE, the void in my heart began to FILL UP by The Holy Spirit (John 14:26). I suddenly began to feel forgiveness, compassion and understanding towards my earthly father (Colossians 3:13). I now have a strength and desire to pursue a personal relationship with my earthly father, no matter what it takes (Psalm 28:7). There is no need to be jealous any longer, with the fulfillment that the Lord God provides me (Ephesians 1:10). My Heavenly Father, who’s LOVE is PERFECT, has placed a LOVE and appreciation in my heart for my earthly father; this is a LOVE I have never felt before.
Coming to my rescue, as He did, God has proven himself to be a far greater father than any man could be (Romans 10:10-21). My worth and value is in Him, (Psalm 139:13-16) and Jesus is The Perfect Daddy! The Holy Spirit is continuing to heal wounds of my past. God is faithful to His children and He is filling every void in my heart (Isaiah 53:4-5).
This has not been an easy path and several years of struggle and mistakes; However, it was only through my brokenness and surrender to God, that He has led me into this NEW season of restoration in my life (2 Corinthians 12:9)! Day by day I am becoming stronger in the Lord and my relationship with Him, The Perfect Daddy, has become so personal (Psalm 23:6).
What’s could be even MORE AMAZING than that? Well, I want to tell you! God will be The Perfect Father to anyone who asks for forgiveness of their sins through Christ (1 John 1:9). He knows EXACTLY what we need if we just open our hearts and surrender to His Perfect LOVE, for us (Philippians 4:19). I take delight in knowing that through God I have ALL I ever need or could ask for (Psalm 37:4). I have a Heavenly Father who LOVES ME PERFECTLY, an understanding husband who loves ALL of me, and my relationship with my earthly father is now on it’s way to becoming what I have always wanted (Romans 8:28)!
GOD IS SO GOOD! (Psalm 100:5)
**I want to end by saying, before I posted this blog I took the bold step to personally talk to my dad and bring light to my feelings. I wanted to show him respect and let him know my heart first, before I shared with you. I am proud and so happy to say that our relationship is on the path of healing and restoration, with the help and guidance of The Holy Spirit and The Perfect LOVE- as God intends, through Jesus Christ!